My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir