My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*