My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.