My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..