My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Watermelon Boss!
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.