My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

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Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached


One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone


Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*


My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.


ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is


Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*


[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?


A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.


Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!