My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
A woman drives into a bar.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.