@ShortSleeveSuit Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
@velvettusk My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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@ShortSleeveSuit 
@sonictyrant I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
@topshelftyson One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
@XennDad Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
@OyVeyLady My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
@bobvulfov ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
@carlyken Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
@LlamaInaTux [talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
@whereami18 A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
@CafeinatedBacon Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!