My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.