My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall


*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism


“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.


So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.


Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.


Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”


Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.


*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*


He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.


I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.