My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Awwwww shit.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”