My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.


[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis


ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair


By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies


You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.


I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.


I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.


“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
“Stab him again”