@TylerLinkin

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

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@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@NikiWithIssues

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

@LancelottMusic

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@DurtMcHurtt

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

@farouq_yahaya

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!