My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
groan^2
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist