My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.


I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.


COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”


“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.


I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.


Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.


I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!