@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

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@AndyRichter

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@frenziedlanes

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

@StumblerTop

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

@Bill_Nye_Tho

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

@TrophyCatas

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@Brampersandon_

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*