My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.


FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian


1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.


Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week


You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.


there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now


I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.


I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.


“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*