My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Sticker placement is key.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will