There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*holds seashell to ear*
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*throws shell into the sea*
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”