my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy