my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

You Might Also Like


There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.


We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.


doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good


I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.


Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?


*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*


[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible


When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.


I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”