@Boobalander1970

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

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@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@Browtweaten

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

@Robert_Beau

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

@vladchoc

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@13spencer

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”