My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”