My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
getting groceries
Breaking news:
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.