[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”