My dog learned how to text
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.