my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.