My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.


Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.


how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26


I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.


What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!


You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?


Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”


“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center


I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught


MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.