My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
bury ourselves
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier