@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

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@gringothespice

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@KizerBillhelm

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

@Lisa_Laughs_

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@pizzajaynow

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

@Writepop

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

@steeve_again

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

@bigschubes

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.