My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.