My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
real