My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
titanic
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.