My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!