My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
You Might Also Like
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.