My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Why is no one talking about this?!
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.