[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
excuse me
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Happy birthday to all the women
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too