My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I am HOWLING at this
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!