MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“i am a sweet baby”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake