My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.