My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.