My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
You Might Also Like
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen