My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”