My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
#ParentingFacts
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.