My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
never deleting this app.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….