My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …