My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.