My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
nyc:
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass