My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…


By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.


Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.


I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.


ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket


*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*


I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.


Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to


I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.