@ivanajokealot

my dog when i have a friend over

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@panmidwest

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

@david8hughes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

@bondgirl_79

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

@MrSandeepP

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@GeorgeTakei

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

@TuffyNyC

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

@dogfather

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”