@ivanajokealot
@panmidwest DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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@panmidwest 
@david8hughes Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
@bondgirl_79 Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
@MrSandeepP This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
@BillPelicanBros Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
@GeorgeTakei So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
@TuffyNyC My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
@StarWarsProblms Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
@DaddyJew Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
@dogfather *walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”