my dog when i have a friend over
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
😍😂🥰😂😍
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
and now we wait
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting