My dog when she hears popcorn popping

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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…


Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.


Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*


*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED


My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.


Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.


[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work


ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.