@mxmclain
@lazerdoov Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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@lazerdoov 
@swiftenhaal Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
@OBiiieeee Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
@Boleyngirly If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
@SvnSxty *jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
@piddle_fart My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
@ScrewedTik 1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
@OhNoSheTwitnt Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
@iwearaonesie [movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
@truegritrumble ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.