My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!