My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
You Might Also Like
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.