My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Not today.. 😂
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.