@kentgrossarth

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

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@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@iMikosnyc

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

@mejustbeth

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

@mdowd

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

@TravLeBlanc

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

@_RyanFernandes_

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

@trevso_electric

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

@david8hughes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up