My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday


I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.


The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.


If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2


Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.


Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!


Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.


Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.


[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up