My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.


5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.



5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?


my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”


You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.


Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.


What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!


I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.


Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.


was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught


Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.