My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Yes, but it was never about money
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.