My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Good news
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Monica just destroyed the internet
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Great game to play with friends
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?