My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
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Why is everyone getting married at me
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
🌱🌱🌱
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.