My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Check out the legs on this baby
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93