My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic



[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean


Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.


Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂


My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized


Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what


I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.


Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.


Two. I have 2 kids.