My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
do horses think humans are hats
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.