My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I thought this was funny lol
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine