My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Beauty and the Beast
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me