My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.