My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
what’s the point then??
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.