@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

You Might Also Like

@sad_tree

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

@aksorojas

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@murrman5

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

@jzux

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre